Tales of a Virgin

She flashes a nervous smile as she slides her lacy blue boy shorts down past her knees and off her feet. She has olive skin, bright green eyes and dark brown hair. Her tan little upturned nose has been kissed by the sun and is covered in tiny brown polka dots. I lean in and give it a peck with my lips, she grins and eases herself on to my bed trying to prevent the wretched squeak that the old springs produce.

We are both 18 and spending our senior year working our way through the awkwardness of sexual learning.  See, up until last week, we were both still virgins¹ with the exception of her occasionally letting me fuck her in the butt. I am not quite sure why that was acceptable but she always told me, “you can’t get my butt pregnant!” For being such a lovely young lady I always wondered where she acquired that very redneck quip. I’d shrug off the comment, lube up my main vein and go diving in.

¹Read chapter: I “accidentally” missed her b-hole and wedged my penis in to her vagina and then she cried for an hour about no longer being a virgin.²

²It’s a working title.

Truth be told, I am just happy she still let’s me stick it in her number two slot. Considering the first time I did plow in to her asshole, we were unaware that she should take a shit BEFORE we had sex. She screamed, I pulled out then turned on the light. The poor girl had shit all over me and my bed. “This could have gone better.” I thought as we sat naked in the excrement and I embraced her with a shitty hug as she wept in to my pathetic boney chest.

My first sexual experiences were obviously not romantic in any sense of the word and not one of them lasted more than two minutes. This time of my life is actually when I discover that girls grow hair around their buttholes too. “Gross!” I thought, looking at her ass cheeks spread apart kneeling down in the doggy position as she looked over her shoulder smiling at me, “It looks like a squashed spider.” And it truly did! It was a dark circle with crooked spider-leg-looking pubes straying in all different directions. I wince now just thinking about it, but none the less she was beautiful, and most importantly, she was mine. A couple of wiry butthole pubes weren’t going to stop this guy!

Too say this girl is out of my league would be an understatement. She’s smart, attractive, the captain of the volleyball team and the homecoming queen. Me on the other hand, I stand all of 5’7” tall weighing 130 pounds soaking wet. Between my Chuck Taylors that are a size too big, my wannabe grunge rocker flannel shirt, ripped jeans and shaggy hair, I make for a terrible athlete. “Way to go boys!” I squeal from the sidelines like a total homo. “My hands are looking exceptionally tough today.” I note while looking at my newly formed calluses from the excessive clapping. I think of myself as a good athlete that doesn’t get enough playing time to show his true potential, but as I get older I will face reality, I was fucking terrible.

I remember back to my junior year when I was once forced to write a hand written apology to our whole football team, followed by doing 100 burpees. All this for screaming “Touchdown!” as a far better team scored its 50^th point against us in a single game. So not only did I suck, but apparently I was a traitor too. “I said I’m sorry!” I gasped to my coach while vomiting through my one hundredth burpee. “Not sorry enough.” He said like a prick, and then instructed me to run laps until practice was over or I died. He was a true inspiration. Fortunately for me I got the last laugh; he was fired after getting caught watching porn on his laptop in the boy’s bathroom. “Hey coach!” I yelled as I held the gymnasium door open watching him cross the parking lot with all his belongings, “Suck a dick!” I slammed the door running inside the gym giggling like a girl, so proud of my accomplishment. 

But that’s enough reminiscing of my pathetic sports career; let’s take our focus back to the naked girl in my bed shall we?

So here she is, my first love, sitting on my bed waiting to accept me. Her breasts are extremely large and coursed with veins similar to that of my grandmother’s legs. That reference grosses me out, but the tit’s themselves, to me they’re perfect. She has a thin waist and her tight ass that looks great in a pair of blue jeans. Her thin waist gives way to a large patch of razor burn where her “I’m still a virgin” bush used to be. I snicker at the red bumps then glance down to see that my razor burn is twice as bad where my “I’m still a virgin” bush used to be. I turn my focus back to her, as she blushes and covers her vagina with her hands. Her knobby knees are pushed together as she anxiously plays footsie with herself.

I lay her down on to her back as I crawl on top listening to my lousy day bed let out a series of squeaks and yelps. “Shit” I mutter, “we have to be quiet!” See, my bedroom is connected to the living room and my bed sits right in front of my bedroom door. My mom and dad are currently in the living room staring at our cordless phone, waiting for a ring. My cousin Bret was in a car wreck tonight and his condition grows worse by the hour. I love my cousin Bret, but he’s three hours away and there is nothing I can do for him now.

For a moment I pause while sprawled out naked across my first love and think back to my cousin. See, Bret was always my idle growing up. He was almost a decade older than me and grew up doing all the hillbilly things I wanted to do, he was crazy. Motorcross was his favorite sport and he’d always ride wheelies up and down the dirt road in front of his house. He was a four year letter winner in football and won state in wrestling. His free time was spent hunting, fishing and working on his 1969 Camaro he had purchased from an old farmer after he spent a whole summer working in that same old man’s fields.  Bret was everything I wanted to be, but as we grew older, his coolness faded. He went from being the awesome cousin that taught me everything, to another white-trash kid hooked on crank (which is like meth’s redneck cousin according to Dave Attell.)

Bret and I have since grown apart and years have passed without us talking. Plus, I never learned to work on cars and my mom wouldn’t dare let me have a motorcycle. “You got drunk and drove your car in to the neighbor’s house.” She scolded, “If you had a motorcycle you’d be dead!” She’s probably right, but in my defense, Fast and the Furious had a large impact on my teenage years. I still remember pulling my e-brake and screaming “TOKYO DRIFT!” right before I slammed into our neighbor’s chimney. But that’s a story for another day.

The nostalgic thought abruptly ends as soon as it had begun and I flash back to the girl in my bed. “Hold on a second,” I say, fumbling around in the dark feeling for the condom I laid on my night stand earlier in the evening. I gently tear the foil wrapper and remove the latex object I will someday grow to hate. Poking it with my index finger like the instructions recommend, I figure out which way the condom unrolls then slide it on. I am constantly terrified of getting this girl pregnant. After finishing this sexual conquest, I will surely take the condom to the bathroom where I will hunch over the faucet and fill it up like a water balloon. You know, so I can check it for holes, just in case. You never know when a trip to the pharmacy for some Plan B could be in order!

My alarm clock shines a dim red light across her body. I take in the site with a long gaze, then spread her legs apart and ease my way inside. At this point in my life I am a one trick pony, and that trick is missionary position. My strokes are short and slow, partially because I don’t want the bed to make a noise and partially because, well, I wasn’t endowed with a penis big enough to produce a long stroke. Luckily this girl likes me for my personality and not my frail body and lackluster genitalia.

As I am performing the lost art of missionary styled sloth fucking, I hear our house phone ring and muffled sobs start coming from the living room. I don’t let this deter me; I’m two minutes in to this deed and probably thirty seconds away from finishing. I am already breaking my own personal record for consecutive minutes spent inside a woman. “Come on Bret, hold on for another minute you fucking cock block!” I think to myself. 

I feel my testicles start to recoil as I prepare to embrace a rewarding feeling that I will later find out is termed “premature ejaculation.”

No sooner than I start to release my little swimmers, a knock comes to my door. It’s a knock I will never soon forget, it makes my butthole pucker and my hair stand up on end. I try to control my orgasm that looks more like an epileptic seizure as my mother opens my door. Turning my head, I try to shield my eyes from the light now pouring into my dark bedroom. “Fuck fuck fuck!” I repeat in my head reaching for my comforter that is wedged between the bed and the wall. I pull at it desperately to cover my naked behind but it is stuck. I am too weak to even make it budge.

“You have some nerve young man!” My mother’s voice is shrill as it cuts through the air like a knife. I don’t look up, I can’t make eye contact with her, I’m still busy pathetically tugging at the comforter. “Here I am nervous to the core, filled with sadness about my oldest nephew passing away³ and you’re in here having sex!” she scolds. I still won’t look at her, I’m too embarrassed, my focus is on the comforter. “You know what, don’t look at me. We are going to have a long talk later, mister!” she screams.

³When did ‘passing away’ become the polite way to say somebody died? I feel it’s correctly used when your grandpa takes his last breath of life while he sleeps peacefully in his bed. I don’t feel like it is correctly used when a meth’d out 28 year old drives his car off an embankment while screaming the lyrics to Motley Crues “Shout at the Devil” and the fucking car explodes. Just my two cents!

No sooner than the words leave her mouth, the comforter breaks free. With all my 130 pound might, I yank it away from the wall and it sails over our naked bodies landing right on my mother’s feet. “I’m sorry!” I let out as I jump to my feet without thinking, my dick and balls flopping around like they’re at a House of Pain concert. Mom cocks her hand back. “Oh shit,” I utter, wincing my face and preparing for impact as she slaps me twice. The lady has a hell of a left hand, my eyes begin to water.

“I’m so disappointed in you.” she says begrudgingly, the way only a mother can. She turns around, slams my bedroom door and leaves me standing naked, holding my left cheek in my hand and my manhood in the other.

I turn to face my girlfriend in the darkness of my room, my alarm clock casts a reddish glow on to my body, my voice perks up, “Did you notice I lasted longer than two minutes this time??”